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Kunama 1977

The Hair and the Tortoise

(A Peasoup Fable)

Once upon a time there was a hair who lived in the Enchanted Forest in Disneyland. Alas, the little hair was very unhappy, sad, put out and generally miserable. Even though he was a nice, soft, curly brown hair he had no body to live on. And so one day he set out to find some body to live on (Smart Hair).

First he went to Scatchmo Squirrel, in down-town Fantasy Land. Scatchmo was the forest "Rock Head": that is, controller of the forest's Rock and Roll. But no, Scatchmo didn't want him, he only wanted red hairs to match his coat. To make things Worse, down-putting and generally disheartening, he told Herman (His name was Herman Hairs) that he should make himself tidy before presenting himself for a job interview.l

Then Herman went to see Bachus B. Bodygut, the beer-gutted Bear, who lived in the nether-region of Frontierland.
"He will want me," thought Herman. "I am the right colour." Bachus looked at him through his big, brown eye and said:
"No, I don't want you. You are not big and bristley enough for me." He then went on to make a pun about how he could eat rabbit for months without turning a hair. This only succeeded in making Herman feel small, minute and insignificant.

But this gave Herman an idea. He would go and see Rastus the Rumanian Rabbit. He had just had a Super Friz Afro Perm, so he would be the right colour. But Rastus just put on his deep southern Rumanian accent and said:

"Gee wiz, Herman! You son of a gun. I can't take yo, yo dad shawt at me and yo would likely as no barrel me in a fight and I woad have to fire yo." Then he slapped his leg and broke into a series of wheezes and chorkles.

Herman was now feeling down and out, put down and generally miserable. This forced Herman to succumb to emotion and he lay down under a tree and started to cry.

After a while he heard a sound. “Tortoise Noise” (any information on the type of sound a tortoise makes would be gratefully accepted.
Then again “Tortoise Noise”. Herman sprang up in surprise (lucky he was curly hair), and said:
“Who’s that going ‘Tortoise Noise’ “?
“It’s a tortoise,” replied a tortoise.
“Where are you from? I haven’t seen you around Disneyland,” said Herman.
“No, I’m from the swamp half a mile away” said the tortoise. I heard you were looking for full time job as a hair and that you wished to reside at your place of employment.”
“Yes,” said Herman, “but I can’t live on you. You haven’t any hair.”
“All the more reason to want a hair.”

So Herman decided to take up residence, and far off in the distance, he thought he heard a faint
“When you wish upon a star,” followed by a raucus “Ah, shut-up.”

Moral: It is foolish to offer what you have to those who already possess it.

Bruce Smith

P.S. Mrs Smith made me write this.

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