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Kunama 1977

How to demoralise your Opponent

  1. Arrive on the scene wearing a top-brand-name sports shoe, e.g. Adidas. This will serve to show that you approach the sport with a professional outlook.
  2. Commence preliminary exercises such as knee-bends, shoulder flexing and burpees. This will make the opponent aware that he’s in for a real hard game.
  3. Pull out a piece of chalk and carefully mark in the boundaries of hte squares, telling the opponent that this will facilitate in line calling of your hard, low smashes.
  4. Pull out a couple of towelling sweat bands and a head band. Take a few deep, deep breaths and say that you’re read for the game to begin.
  5. Immediately demand the correct positioning of umpires and linesmen. Signal to the umpire that your are ready to receive service. If your bluff is called and you receive a cracking backspin serve which you find it completely impossible to return, trip and utter profanities (loudly) to the effect that the court is far too slippery and you want is swept. Due to the H.T.A.A. (Hand Tennis Association of Australia), Professions Protection Act, it cannot be disclosed how to get to be King - the command position of the game. But a few subtle hints are: itching powder in opponents jock strap; announcement that well endowed females are walking past; and the use of the tricky squiddly-diddler - a half-back, slicked, top-spin-kick-low-flying drop shot (known colloquially as a fluke).

Upon reaching King, call that it is about time that they had a new ball. Then carefully rough up, or lick down and shine, (depending on whether a spin or speed serve is intended). Carefully step out run-off and commence producing Lillian Tompson facial contortions, carefully concealing the ball about your person. Opponents will instinctively cringe, expecting a cannonball to whiz into their unmentionables. Carefully plop the ball lightly into the opponent’s near corner - whirr around to the umpire shouting ‘OWZAT’? Alternative Mark II Serve: ricochet the ball as hard as possible into the air (should reach altitude of approximately 20 feet/six metres). Then on its prolonged descent, yell out to the intensively concentrating receiver, with smug confidence, “WATCH THE SPIN! IT’S GONNA KICK!” (A “kick” is a ball that rises sharply, mutilating facial features - eyes, nose, mouth - giving them an attractive purplish-blackish hue). This will completely unnerve him and the ball will drop innocently into the square while the receiver slips over and cracks his skull, expecting a kick-back. Then, since you have now exhausted your repertoire of sly, mean, sneaky and generally dispicable shots you look at your watch with aggravation and announce that you have a pressing appointment - with an educator (i.e. teacher(.

Thank linesmen, umpires and players for amost enjoyable game, telling them that they may come and train with you every Tuesday at 5 (neglecting to mention whether p.m. or a.m. so you can avoid the embarrasing situation of some nurd taking you seriously and turning up).

Signed: That Deaf Dumb and Blind Kid,
who sure plays a mean Handball.
The Handball Wizard.

Bruce Smith

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